Sound Advice

I'm not much of a college football fan. I'll take the pros over college any day. But every once in a while, when there's a really good local team playing, or there's a game that draws my interest, I'll give it a look. Or, alternately, when I've got absolutely nothing else going on and need to kill some time, I'll settle for whatever college game ESPN is showing that night.

Coach Lou Holtz
(aural representation only)
(Google Images)

This, unfortunately, has some consequences. Like for instance, the convergence of my ears and the verbal stylings of Lou Holtz. Holtz does studio duty for ESPN during their halftime shows, and occasionally makes his way into the broadcast booth for actual game play, as with this past Wednesday night's game between Pitt and Connecticut. I've now had several opportunities to get a taste of Holtz in his ESPN gig, and I'm just a little baffled by what I'm hearing.

You see, the man apparently has a little problem with his dentures, or a missing tooth, or...something--it's difficult to say what's the source of the trouble. Somehow, someway, no one at "the worldwide leader" has noticed this, but Coach Holtz has something of a speech impediment. Sort of like China has a Great Wall. And this is a problem for the viewers, especially the casual viewers like me. Because it's more than a little distracting when you're hearing analysis of a team's blitz package coming from Sylvester from the old Looney Tunes cartoons. It's bad enough when you're hearing him coming through your TV speakers; imagine what it's like for me, someone who does most of his television viewing with headphones on. (Noisy neighbors; long story; don't ask.)

Once upon a time, to get on TV, you had to have a certain combination of qualities. Looks helped; many a radio star saw his career go down the drain when television first arrived. Knowing what you're talking about (for analytical positions) helped a lot, too. But you also needed to sound good--like you weren't drowning the mic in spit. It's an aural medium as well as a visual one, and something as off-putting as a profound lisp should be a no-go when it comes to a major speaking role on a national television network.

Now, I don't want to be overly harsh here. By all accounts Coach Holtz is a fine man, much accomplished in his field and worthy of respect. And I have little doubt that his impediment is the product of his well-advanced age; he can't do much about it. But it's tough to listen to him for more than a few minutes without diving for the remote control. I get that ESPN values his insight into college football, but please--can't he just dole out his wisdom through a column in ESPN The Magazine? Our ears will thank you for it.