Bitching and Cunting: a Definition of Terms

Folks tend to be imprecise in their use of words. We've discussed this before in this space, in a post about the definition of stupidity and insanity, among other things. Another place where the subtle difference between similar words causes confusion lies in the space between the terms 'bitching' and 'cunting.'

Almost everyone is familiar with bitching. We've all bitched about this, that, or the other thing now and then. You're bitching when you say, "Dammit, why do I have to do this now? This is so stupid!" whenever your boss asks you to finish those "TPS reports" by the end of today, Friday, when you know perfectly well that no one will even be in the office to look at them until Tuesday at the earliest. Bitching is a form of complaining; it springs from a place of feeling abused, put upon, mistreated, or just simply frustrated. Bitching is complaining that comes from a place of--or at least, the perception of being in a position of--powerlessness.


There is, however, another form of complaining that many of us commonly experience in our lives--one that can be mistaken for bitching, or at least labeled as so by those who are lazy with the language. This form of complaining is what I (and perhaps others) call 'cunting.' Cunting is not just a variation of bitching; it is more like an obverse side of bitching. When you are being groused at because "I told you to do 'this'; why didn't you do 'this'?"; or "Did you do the 'this' like I told you to do?"; or "What do you think you're doing about X, Y, or Z?"--and any number of subtle variations on that nagging, complaining theme, that's not bitching--that's cunting. The difference bitching and cunting is that cunting comes from a perceived position of power--not powerlessness.

The difference between bitching and cunting can be best summed up as follows: bitching can be characterized by the complaint, "Why are you doing this to me?"; cunting can be characterized by the complaint, "Why aren't you obeying me?"

Clearly, one of these complaints is substantially more aggressive in its nature. That is the problem with cunting: because it comes from a perceived position of power, it is produced by individuals who have a firm belief in their control over another individual--and, perhaps even more to the point, their perceived right to exercise control over that other individual.

As bitching comes out of a sense of powerlessness, the complainant's expressions have little efficacy against their target. The cause of the bitching, in his position of power, is largely impervious to the complainant's attacks, if they are heard at all. Bitching's ultimate effect, if any, is simply to work as a release valve for the stress felt by the person who feels imposed upon enough to start bitching about his or her condition. Only rarely, through the agency of a truly aggressive bitcher, will bitching have any sort of impact on the relationship between the individuals involved.

Not so with cunting. By its nature, cunting is an aggressive, directed attack that invariably hits its mark. The cunter's position of power may be real or imagined, but the impact of the complaints will leave its mark on the intended target regardless of the legitimacy--or lack thereof--of the cunter's perception of power. Given this state of affairs--often, a campaign of verbal attacks directed towards a target regardless of any justification (or lack thereof)--cunting can be enormously toxic for the relationship between the complainer and the target of the complaining. Prolonged exposure to cunting behavior will eventually ruin any relationship between the individuals involved.

That, then, is the difference between the terms. What then of the terms themselves? How are they related through their origins?

Clearly, both terms are slang that derive from derogatory terms for women. Bitch, of course, refers to a female dog (and other animals). It's application to an unpleasant woman makes sense when it further applies to grumbling, complaining, and similar such unpleasant behaviors. It's notable, however, that bitching as we know it today transcends gender; men and women both are known to bitch about whatever griefs they perceive themselves to have. Most people today, in all likelihood, consider the term 'bitching' to be gender neutral.

That is obviously not the case with 'cunting.' Again, it comes from a derogatory term for a woman--and in this case, cunting is the applicable term because, in large part, the behavior is one that women are especially prone to. As many men (and perhaps even women) can attest, there are a lot of women out there who believe themselves to have an almost divine right to be obeyed.

This sort of behavior is not nearly as observable among men--at least outside of an office setting, where male bosses will also insist upon a certain amount of obeisance, behavior that somewhat resembles cunting (dickishness?). But male insistence on being obeyed generally comes from being placed within formal structures of authority; a manager or supervisor at a company is not expecting to be obeyed because of a peevish desire to be obeyed; giving orders is simply part of exercising authority and maintaining control over workplace conditions.

Cunting, as a typically female behavior, is not prone to occur within the workplace, but rather tends to crop up within interpersonal relationships: family certainly, and perhaps friends and other associates as well.

Men are not prone to cunting in such relationships--at least this author would argue--because male culture, while often hierarchical and given to "alpha" characters, tends not to tolerate demands for obeisance among those who are generally considered equals. Indeed, male culture frowns upon such exercises in attempted control, often to the point where it includes behaviors which literally beat such inclinations out of any who might attempt to exercise them.

Women, on the other hand, often face no such consequences for cunting behavior. In fact, depending upon how the woman herself is perceived by those around her, cunting may be enabled by family and friends. There are many ways in which women gain elevated stature among their family and friends: birth order or other forms of seniority, looks, wealth (hers or a husband's), perhaps other factors. Many women go through their lives exercising positions of authority or superiority with their families or social circles, and that kind of situation often breeds a long-standing expectation of being obeyed in all things--even to the point where an accurate judgment about whether such an expectation is valid in certain circumstances may be lacking. Once such perceptions of power and authority come to rest within some women's minds, that attitude can become impossible to dislodge. And then, cunting follows--to the detriment of everyone's happiness, even that of the woman in question. Thus, women can be particularly susceptible to falling into the habit of cunting--a state reflected in the vulgar source of the term itself.

Naturally, this discourse raises some uncomfortable points. Many will not be happy with the use of either term, given their gender-leaning origins and meanings. But I for one tend to insist upon calling things what they are, instead of using euphemisms that may spare the feelings of some but blunt the accuracy of our expression. 'Cunting' may be harsh to our ears, but it describes a behavior that is extremely damaging to relationships; if the harshness of the term gives some to whom it is applied pause as they consider the nature of their actions, so much the better for everyone in the long term.